coldinaugust

2009-08-10T18:35:00.001-04:00

woke up this morning with a wicked knot in my back, way uncool. i felt like a hangover sufferer, promising, "i'll never sleep again! i swear!"

i used to really like sleeping. that was when i was depressed, and sleep was a relief from being unhappily awake. now, i fucking hate it. HATE it. i almost always wake up feelings 1000% shittier than when i went to sleep. at aroun 11:30, which is usual bedtime, i am feeling more or less physically worn out, but i am alert, and my brain is going, and i'm feeling perky (you know, the way chipper morning people are, only an hour before midnight). and sometimes, i'm not even all that physically worn out. but i dont' like sleeping late & feeling left out of the waking world's day, so i go to bed in the hopes that i'll waoveke up at a decent hour, feeling minimally refreshed.

it doesn't work that way.

when i wake up, i am tired. i'm also sore. i am usually conscious, underneath my sleep-unconsciousness, of hurting. understandably, this does not provide a good night's rest. today, though, i don't remember feeling pain while i was sleeping, although i did dream about getting hurt, but in a different spot, so ??? rose suggested i try some kind of muscle relaxant before bed, so if any of you who are more familiar with herbs have recommendations for me, let me know.

i've just finished baking another loaf of gluten-free bread. rose commissioned this one for another gluten-free friend of hers. apparently, rose loves the bread i bake & has been spreading the word, perhaps accidentally getting me into gluten-free business. ironically, i haven't baked any of my own bread in months. the last two batches had too much of a rise, and got all deflated & crumbly, and we couldn't use them for sandwiches & it sucked. i've been really discouraged. in comparison, gluten-free bread is actually easier! the ingredients are more expensive, and the taste is not the same (although not unpleasant if you use a good recipe). also, the recipe i use is significantly less healthy than i am used to/fond of. so, i wont' be switching anytime soon. but in terms of baking, it's easier! you don't need to proof the yeast--just sprinkle it on top of the dry ingredients & pour the water over it! you don't need to knead; in fact, you can't, since the "dough" should be slightly thicker than the consistency of cake or quick bread batter. and there's only one rising time, and it's shorter than wheat bread! with the wheat bread recipe i use, given to me by the fabulous saille, there is a 2 hour rise after kneading, then a 45 minute rise after punch-down & shaping. with the GF recipe i've been using, you wait 20 minutes while the oven is heating, then pop it in. so, some cool advantages to an otherwise difficult plight of being gluten sensitive.

anyway, i'm supposed to deliver this loaf, so i should go. take care, all!

a photo post

2009-07-29T20:51:00.001-04:00

a visual representation of What We've Been Doing this summer:

here is my beautiful, unobtrusive, beloved compost. Rest In Pieces, fine heap.

Rose's oldest turned 9! David & I took her to Chuck E. Cheese.

then she had a party at home:

we picked about 2 1/2 pints of black raspberries before getting interrupted by david's peak-of-berry-season trip to NYC, and my unfortunate hornet sting.

david & the cats take lots of naps

there was a double rainbow over our house one day. i rode my bike outside in the rain to enjoy it & take pictures & i felt so ALIVE.

oh yeah, i cut off all my hair. it feels awesome. it usually looks better than this, but this is what it looked like when i came in from the rain:

fabulous.

lately

2009-07-29T20:38:00.001-04:00

one week, everything is pretty shitty for my loved ones & the next, it's awesome. i feel like a calm center, which is new & nice. it's so good to be able to help clean up the mess, and then watch the progress folks are able to make on their own after.

i'm having a super day. last night i made gluten free tortillas for rose, and today i made a moist, yummy gluten-free sandwich bread. the tortllas didn't come out useable for wraps, too dry, but maybe quesadillas? she's going to experiment with the cooking, and based on that i'll experiment with the baking. i have learned so much about gluten free baking, after hours & hours of research. awesome.

pj drew me a picture today, and it was his first drawing of a person with a body. he drew his first representation of a person's face the other day. milestones!

david & i made a lot of progress on cleaning the spare room. the closet is organized! truly! we're hoping to use it as a reading/studying/worshipping room, with a full-wall bookshelf & an altar where we can sit in Silence for 10 minutes in the morning.

right now i'm cooking giambotti, with FRESH zucchini from nana & papa's garden! sad story--last year, the local orchard was selling zucchini for really, really cheap--like, 12 for $1. so i bought a bunch & froze it. turns out, frozen zucchini is reallly soggy and just not the same. this year, when overabundance prices hit rock bottom, i'm going to try shredding it before freezing & using it for zucchini "burgers" instead, and in much smaller quanitities. but tonight--we are having fresh zucchini! mmmmmm.

julie, my friend whose house we switch for thursday dinners, just called & invited me to go see a free dance performance with her tomorrow at the stanley. free! and she has exciting news, a cliffhanger for me.

AND! litchick just sent me an itinerary for her upcoming visit back to upstate! seeing that i got an email that she sent her best friend & her grandma makes me so happy--i'm on a short list of Important People, y'all! &i can't wait to see her & the donald again. & david's been impressed with her since he met her, so that should be way fun.

the first tomato in our garden is almost ready. high summer is here, and i'm happy. hope all is well with you, dear f-list.

xo.

2009-06-20T22:57:00.002-04:00

i would see an endocrinologist, if i had health insurance

2009-05-20T18:53:00.001-04:00

at almost 7:00 pm, i feel like i wish i felt all day. when i woke up at 7:30, i was still tired. went back to sleep until david woke me up at 9:30, when i was still tired. took until 10:00 to rouse myself. spent the morning stiff & sore, with back pain and yucky feeling hip joints. went to pick up our 8 year old friend with whom we spend wednesdays, came back home & had lunch, after which i was still sore & low energy. did some yoga, felt a little better, dragged myself through the rest of the afternoon. then, around 4:30, i started working on dinner. cooked 3-course meal, started feeling reanimated. ate dinner. went outside, watered garden, ransplanted lettuce, talked to neighbor. now i feel like i could jog a mile.

what i ate:
notes: i was really working hard to eat this many fruits & veggies today because i am sick of being..."irregular", another constant state of affairs.

breakfast: baked beans & an orange (fruit, veggie, protein)

lunch: salad w/ lettuce, raisins, and a hardboiled egg (and dressing that isn't high in fat or calories)
a bowl of yogurt with melon
whole grain muffin
(veggie, fruit, protein, whole grains)

snack: apple (fruit)

second snack: hardboiled egg (protein)

dinner: asparagus
whole wheat cornbread
skillet bean dish
(veggies, whole grains, protein)

so, what am i doing wrong? if i'm just a night owl, well, that sucks, cause i don't wanna be. and i certainly don't want to be a night owl at the cost of grumpy, achy, sluggish days. should i try exercising in the morning? cause maybe i should, but i just feel so yucky, like i've been dragged around by a truck instead of sleeping. help!

plugged-in

2009-05-19T20:39:00.000-04:00

in the past few days, i've seen just about all of my favorite (local) people, and it's been wonderful. i'm at my best when i feel "plugged in" to my community. i guess that's what defines an extrovert.

saturday, rose & i kicked off Scavenger Hunting Season by going junkin'. it's an activity that makes me so, so happy. if you are unfamiliar with scavenger hunting//junking//curbside shopping, it is similar to but, in my opinion better than, dumpster diving. around here, once a year folks can put junk out on their curb to be picked up by the town, free of charge. the rest of the year there's a fee to dump it & you have to haul it to the dump yourself. a large truck is recommended for the bigger stuff, but our 2009 scores included: a full length mirror, hooded litterbox, and trunk/coffeetable for rose; a singing, stuffed frosty the snowman & scooter for my godson PJ; a couple of baskets that bear was looking for; baskets for the sunday school program at church; a cat tree for bean, zelda & stormy; an easily-repaired second laundry drying rack for me; and a table for our front yard "landscaping". my parents got a lot of the furniture for our house on the farm from the curb, and it makes me feel connected with them, my own personal form of ancestor worship. it also makes me feel good to tap into the waste stream, and salvage for my own use what would otherwise end up polluting the environment. and, i love being generous, but can't usually afford to lavish upon my loved ones all the material things i'd like to. this is a good time to be able to do just that.

on sunday, david & i resumed chipping away at my Spring Cleaning 2009 list. in true ami fashion, i've made an overly ambitious list & spend more of my time kicking myself for not crossing things off than actually, you know, doing things. but this week we've gotten a good chip knocked out, which is closer to awesome.

monday night i had a family sitdown dinner with brett, rose, sterling, verdi, bear & pj, and then gina & alyx came over for a scrabble tournament. i tied with brett!!! can you believe that? maybe you can, but you dont' know how good brett is at scrabble! i was pretty stoked. and i got to see gina & alyx, which was a treat. david had planned to go to a movie after he got home from work (which is why he couldn't go to scrabble), and rose wanted to go, so i stayed home with the kids while brett went home to work & rose went to the movies with david. bear & verdi were in bed most of the time, and pj eventually fell asleep too. it was also made me really happy to see david & rose walking in together.

and then today, roberta came over & david helped her with some of her grad school work in the kitchen. meanwhile, i did two batches of laundry, and hung them out on the porch & racks to dry in the sun & the breeze. i checked on the garden. i cut up the week's fruit, knowing i bought them at the lowest prices, since i compare all the local specials for my little community newsletter. i trimmed, blanched, and froze the asparagus i bought in bulk. i heated up the milk for the yogurt i make myself. i cooked a rice dish for the potluck i was going to, and then experimented with pickling watermelon rinds. while i was doing homemaker-y stuff, i listened & overheard phrases like "ossified into 2 intransigent groups" and "6-page essay" that gave me the shudders. i'm glad i don't need a master's degree to bargain hunt & meal plan & cook. it's not that those things didn't require learning how to do them, and it was definitely challenging, but i never had to write an essay on How Not to Burn Stuff, and i'm grateful.

so i went to that potluck, which was the awards ceremony for spiral scouts. i got to see all of my favorite parents & kids recieve their year-end badges. i got to see my friend saille & her family, who i really, really, really missed. they gave me a book with gorgeous photographs for my birthday.

and, warning, i'm about to get gushy. one of the best parts of all of this, is that even though i love my community, even though i love my family of friends, at the end of the day, i get to go back home with david. it's always been bittersweet to feel so connected, and then have to go home to an empty (sorry, cats) house. i can't describe the feeling of pulling into the driveway after a really fun gathering and knowing that i didn't have anyone to tell. i can only tell you that my chest feels heavy thinking about it, and my throat fills up with sadness. i'm so grateful that i don't have to do that anymore. david might not be home from work yet, but he's coming home, and tonight i get to sleep next to him.

unless all that coffee i drank keeps me up. oh well. at least i have a pretty new book to read!

THE BIG BIRTHDAY/GARDEN POST

2009-05-10T19:03:00.000-04:00

this was taken friday, when i had my "nana & papa" party. the cake informs you how old i am.

then saturday night, my friends julie, brad & morgan brought my strawberry shortcake, which was not radioactive, although the eerie glow in this picture implies that it was.

stormy gave me some birthday eve snuggles. she likes to be held like a baby, which is immensely endearing.

on my birthday, david & i started putting together the garden. we're using the square foot gardening method, which uses raised beds that are short, so they need to be filled with a special mix. the trailer park office people liked that we wouldn't have to dig, which is why we went through the trouble of buying all of this:

...which we then had to mix on a giant tarp. we also had to wear bandanas to keep the dust out of our noses. it was around this time when brett, rose, and the kids stopped by, asking, "are you guys playing cowboys & indians?"

they brought me a strawberry plant, and a group hug. rose's 6 year old is tiny, and behind me, so you cannot see him. the one who had dyed his hair purple the day before is my godson.

nana & papa also stopped by, to bring me a watering can, and they met stormy.

and then we got back to work. we built the beds the week before, and laid them out with weed cloth underneath.

then we filled the beds...

...and nailed on these lathes, to make a grid.

the finished product:

for dinner, we had a driveway cookout. grilling and cutting hair are two of my favorite driveway activities.

here are my cards. spot the theme.

and lastly, the loot. my presents: a strawberry plant from brett, rose & the kids, a gnome birdfeeder & "colorful bird birdseed mix" from david, a watering can from my grandparents (one i used when i lived with them!), windchimes from david's mom, and strawberry shortcake from julie. i like what my presents say about me. about 10 years ago, people just got me incense & candles, even though i wasn't allowed to burn them in my room. it said, "you sort of seem like a hippie, but we don't really know you that well". these say something quite different, and i like it. i like my older self.

i'm happy to start my 27th year.

Stormy

2009-05-05T21:18:00.000-04:00

April 26th was the one year anniversary of when David moved in with me. By far the worst part for him was leaving his beloved cat, Stormy, behind with another English teacher. He & Stormy lived together for eight years, longer than even Bean, Zelda & I have lived together, and I just can't imagine how hard it was for him to have to say goodbye. Stormy's new mom has since fallen out of contact, so we don't even hear about how she's doing. It's a very sad story.

Well, the day before the Davidversary, I was at the pet store refilling our litter supply, and the Rome Humane Society was having a "Pet Adoption Day". There, sitting in a cage labeled "reduced adoption fee", was a black and white cat named "Storm". She is 2 years old, but apparently no one wanted her; she'd been living at the humane society for just short of 6 months.

Now, I know animals are not replaceable, but the similarities lead us to believe it was a sign. We talked about it, and went there the next day to meet her. Right away, she took to David, put her arms around his neck...and then we took her home.

I hope Korean Stormy is doing well. We still love her & think of her often. So now, some pictures of our new addition Stormy!

Alert eyes

A snow white tummy

Giving hugs

Look at that sweet smile!

And because some of you have asked, here is how we celebrated Beaniversary Five:

With a card...

...and a crown!

8:13 pm, Thank You, Ma.

2009-05-03T20:02:00.000-04:00

i know i haven't posted in a while, but i promise, there are lots of photos to come! today is my birthday, and i've been taking lots of photos to document what a great time i'm having.

i am currently having a wonderful birthday. the weekend has pretty much perfectly taken into account the things i enjoy, value, and hold dear. friday night we went over to nana & papa's and had the usual fish fry, and nana made me my favorite kind of cake (marble). i was almost in tears because i had forgotten my camera, and what if it's my last birthday with one or both of them, and david went back to get it. sweet.

yesterday i talked to three of my best friends on the phone. at night, my friend julie, her husband brad & son morgan brought over strawberry shortcake, leftover from morgan's birthday the night before. he turned 9!!

for my birthday today, i didn't want to go anywhere extravagant or do anything "special". i just wanted to have a nice day at home, and i did. this morning at breakfast, i opened the gift david's mom sent me--a windchime. david & i spent the day assembling our square foot garden beds, breaking for lunch, a visit from nana and papa, and a surprise visit from brett, rose, verdi, bear & pj. nana & papa brought a watering can that i remember using when i was a kid, and brett, rose & the kids brought me a strawberry plant!

when we finished assembling the garden, we had a cookout. i made a carmelized onion, green bean and cherry tomato tian, and we grilled portabella mushrooms & scallops. while we were waiting for everything to cook, david gave me his present, a gnome birdfeeder & some special "colorful bird" attracting birdseed. now we're gonna watch the simpsons & then take a bath & later eat our strawberry shortcake.

i'll post pictures tomorrow, or soon. hope everyone is well. thanks for all the facebook birthday wishes!

xoxo.

2009-04-11T14:25:00.001-04:00

i'm still feeling a little directionless, income-wise. i'm feeling the necessity for better income, for both my financial and emotional health. i want to be able to do the things that are some major life directions (build or buy a house on some land that will hopefully be near my chosen or present the opportunity for them to move near me; have kids) but--i'm still at a loss for finding what i really want to do. i've figured out a couple of options for something i *could* do, that wouldn't be soul-sucking but wouldn't be a calling either--freelance proofreading & maybe later copyediting. i enjoy those things enough & am eager enough about creating a freelance business to see myself being able to hash out a supplemental income doing it. (please don't take my run-on sentences & poor capitalization, misspelling or sketchy grammar in this journal as evidence of my un-prowess!) and while it's not something that i'm totally stoked about in the "YES! this is what i was meant to do with my life!" kind of way, it's something that wouldn't make me want to attempt a head-on collision with a mack truck like working retail does.

so, i keep exploring other avenues. still reading some self-help-y type books, planning on taking the aptitude tests in them. i'm seriously rolling around in my head the idea of going back to school for graphic design. i visit the local community college website about it every few weeks, looking at course descriptions & the stuff i'd need to take for the certificate or associate's degree. i'd be looking at going through VESID. they would probably pay for it, which is great, but it makes me nervous because it's very goal-oriented with "we want to get you back to work" & that makes me feel nervous about exploring a path i'm not 1000% sure i want to be on for the rest of my life. i sort of feel like VESID would pay of one thing only, like i've got one shot, and then i'm on my own & i'll have to finance my silly employment whims on my own. and part of me says i'm making it a bigger deal than it needs to be, that i won't know until i try it & that trying something is gonna be better than whining about & fearing NOT trying it. so....thinking. thinking. thinking.

in conclusion: i guess i'm making progress. it just doesn't always feel that way.

****

i'm enjoying being a homemaker. i keep working on our budget, feeling almost like whittling. recently, we've switched ISPs (saves $20 a month) & changed insurance companies (saves $70 a month). we're growing a garden this year; the plans were approved last week, so we bought the seeds & started some lettuce seedlings on the windowsill. next week we'll buy the lumber for the raised beds & start planting things that get planted before the frost date, like peas & onions. wish us luck! hopefully, that will save us on grocery bills in the summer, but maybe not. the start-up costs will be pretty high (for raised bed building suplies; soil--we're making a mix to fill the bed, can't dig here; seeds). fortunately, all of those things will last for years if we take proper care of them.

i've also started a newsletter for my friends where i tell everyone about local grocery deals, recipes i've found, and reminder of important community dates (our birthdays, anniversaries, events, etc.). it's everything that i'd be telling everyone anyway, only all in one place. i feel (happily) like my gramma, kickin' it Old Lady Style, when i am letting everyone know about the 98 cents a pound red peppers at chanatry's. so that's good.

*****

wednesday, i took videos of nana teaching me how to make ravioli from scratch. when i figure out how to edit them (i want to make one long video, not a bunch of short ones), i'll post them here. until then, enjoy rosemary clooney singing "mambo italiano":

geese in the sky again

2009-03-19T19:45:00.000-04:00

i'm feeling like an update, but i'm afraid i don't have anything earth-shattering to report. just, as my friend has tagged it in her blog, the sacred mundane. and that's good enough for me.

the weather has been beautiful. i'm so excited to think that spring is here, and it's only march! now, for lots of you, march may be High Spring, but here in central new york, the calendar photo that the newspaper printed up features snow. i still think that there might be one last huzzah, the biggest snowstorm of the year perhaps, but then again, maybe it's just spring for real. we'll see.

i got my bike out from storage in my friends' basement. we're finalizing our garden proposal. we've been taking lots of walks, and i'm determined to keep active, whether or not i am hurting. i don't have the option of waiting until i feel better, because that might be a long time coming, or it might not come. i'm not trying to be morbid or depressing or whatever; i'm trying to come to acceptance. this is my new reality, and i'd do best to accept it and try to live to the fullest while i'm here. or something like that. of course, this attitude wavers based on pain and energy levels and things that i can or cannot do. i may feel accepting tonight, when my back and joints are stiff and sore but i am feeling perky and loving the weather, but i may be quite despondent when i'm stiffer and sorer and tired and having trouble sitting for more than 10 minutes. that is to say, if you hear me complaining, please don't rub my temporary zen in my face.

anyway, today was another lovely, putz-around-town day. david & i had our usual morning: he eats waffles and i have an apple and oatmeal while watching the daily show and the colbert report. then he did some chores and i fooled around on the internet & spray varnished some pysanky until 1, when we have lunch. after lunch we went to the drugstore and the apple orchard, and went to the lumber store to buy a piece of plywood for a shelf on the table rose gave us. it's about chest high (on me), so i can put the computer monitor & keyboard on it and make a standing computer station, for when i can't sit down. it eased up on sunday, and by monday i could sit like usual again. she gave us a stool, too, so when i can sit i can sit, and when i can't, i can use the computer standing up. maybe it will even subconsciously induce us to use the computer less. that would be fine by me.

tonight i'm not really feeling like doing much, not sure why. i made pizza & lazed around listening to another david sedaris audiobook, called my gramma. i've been productive these past few days; i can take a rest tonight.

spring saturday sunshine

2009-03-14T14:31:00.002-04:00

i have a lot to say today, but not a lot of time to say it, because my time sitting at the computer is limited these days, since i can no longer sit for much time at all without feeling like my spine is being compressed. this is maybe a blessing in disguise, what i really needed to push my life from "sedentary" to "lightly active" to "i never sit down anymore". although, i prefer lightly to moderately active, given the choice.

i started a new journal today, because the feeling of Beginnings is infectious throughout my life. i'm really happy it's Spring, just totally stoked. i took a walk today and the sunshine hitting my face made me smile, over & over again. the area where we're planning to put our garden, which stupidly requires approval from the main office of our fancypants trailer park, seems more and more perfect. it's on the south corner, so it gets sun all day long. we hope to put 4 or 5 4x4 beds there, and have a list of 16 plants we hope to grow: lettuce, onions, cauliflower, parsley, peas, potatoes, brussel sprouts, broccoli, strawberries, tomatoes, beans, cucumbers, peppers, corn, garlic, and squash. i'm crossing my fingers & hoping it gets approved.

rose is giving me a table she has that is about chest-high (on me, anyway), so i can make a standing computer workstation. until then, i'm not doing too much computing. i'll write more later. for now, i just have to have someplace to put this:

chronic pain

2009-03-10T18:58:00.000-04:00

i'm a couple pages into a zine about chronic pain called when language runs dry, available through learning to leave a paper trail distro, and it couldn't have come at a better time. i have had a really crappy past couple of days/months/year. still, i'm only a couple pages in, so i'm torn between understanding whether i'm telling my story & that's valid, or if i'm whining about the same shit i've been whining about since i started hurting all the time, around last winter. i'm pretty sure it's a valid story, maybe not as written here, but part of the reason that everything's been so dragged out is that i don't have health insurance and i'm worried about spending the savings i have left on doctors and xrays and a wild goose chase that could end in terrible ways, like i'm broke and diagnosed with fibromyalgia with not a lot of hope of the pain going away, or it's psychosomatic & i'm crazier than i thought.

anyway, i feel like i've especially been losing my footing a little this past week. i've been in a lot of pain, moreso than the usual soreness, stiffness & occasional immobility that has impacted my quality of life for the last year. i'm thinking i should either go back to the chiropractor ($20 a visit, no end in sight) or maybe another doctor ($75-$100 office visit, plus money for the x-rays i'd like to see if maybe there isn't a herniated or slipped disc or whatever).

the time change has been okay, since i like more hours of daylight, but my body hasn't adjusted & i've been having a hell of a time waking up in the morning, which isn't my strong suit anyhow. when i wake, i become fully cognizant of the neck & back pain i was only partially cognizant of when i was sleeping. i become aware that i'm thirsty like a man lost in the desert, and i start being able to think but i'm unable to speak. david starts talking to me a little but i can't answer him out loud, only in my head. i can mumble a little, but it takes a lot of effort. when i finally get out of bed, i stand up & usually wobble a little because i'm so stiff and it hurts. and that's how i start my day, limping to the shower, barely able to speak.

i haven't been able to exercise in my usual way (getting my heart rate up by dancing in the living room or while doing chores) during the past week. i've started some yoga sessions, but it hasn't felt very good, and i get discouraged and stop. usually it felt good, but now i feels too sore to do my usual routine. i can feel the cracking around in my spine as i move, and the other day david & i could actually hear it. i'm in a frustrating loop of not wanting to move around because i hurt, but hurting more because i'm not moving as much. i guess i should be on a constant treadmill or something, but hurting all the time makes me tired...

and we haven't been "working" the past week or so...we had been spending 2 hours in the morning working on our individual projects, but we haven't done that in the past week or so, for whatever reason (other stuff to do, usually). i mean, we still get quite a bit done, but not our own projects. today i helped david send off his resume for a teaching job, then we had lunch & went to a park & saw bluebirds, a bluejay, and geese flying overhead, heard the birdsongs, smelled the grass. it was lovely, but i'm having a hard time enjoying it as much as i would if i didn't hurt, if i could move as freely as i want to.

when we came home, we went outside & measured where we'd like to put a garden. we think we have enough room for 4 or 5 4x4 beds. then we worked on a planting list, dates & stuff. when i talked to my grandfather the other day, always the downer he said: with your back, you probably shouldn't start a garden. you need to be out there every day, and if you hurt, you just can't do it. i said david would be doing it too, and he said, well, how much can the poor guy do?

needless to say, that really hurt too. physical limitations of this extent are new for me. i'm used to emotional limitations. i'm used to not being very physically fit, and maybe not being able to do everything i'd like to do because of that. but i'm not used to hurting all the fucking time & having to plan my life around it. and really, how much can either of us take of this? we're both really worried & frustrated & upset about it, and kind of feel helpless. i was daydreaming the other day that i had a slipped disc & i had to have surgery. and then when i heal, i'll be back to feeling okay, maybe even better than i've ever felt because i have more emotional stability & better life circumstances & more optimism than any other time in my life. yes, a surgery i could heal from would be a lot better than mysterious, constant pain with no end in sight.

update

2009-03-09T20:26:00.001-04:00

well, the march meatout isn't going as well as i'd hoped. i haven't had any cravings or anything, but i haven't been particularly strongwilled, either. i ate meat twice, at other people's houses. i have since talked to my friends about it (which i hadn't done before i arrived at their house to eat the meat that they had spent hours slow-roasting). nana & papa, well... it used to be enough for me to hear them discussing the parts of a chicken, and have complete revulsion at the thought that i was about to eat someone else's leg. now, it seems that i've dulled myself or something. i ate the chicken leg, and let it register for a moment, and it wasn't that great. i'm still meditating on it.

this week, i'm making lots of curries. i love curries, and they're some of my favorite vegetarian fare. my most favorite curry of all time, the one i make almost once a week in winter, was written by in his split zine headlock, available through learning to leave a paper trail distro (only a few copies! hurry!).

tonight i made cauliflower pea curry, adapted from a recipe in a book on vegetarian indian cooking that contained many more ingredients than i usually have on hand.

2 onions, chopped
5 cloves garlic, minced
1 large can tomato puree
2 tbsp minced ginger root (i use less, cause i don't like too much ginger)
pinch of cayenne
1/4 c. butter or olive oil
2 tsp. curry powder, to start
1 tsp salt
1 pkg. frozen cauliflower, thawed or 1 head, florets only
3/4 c. peas
1 tbsp. chopped fresh mint (i don't usually have this, but it makes it extra yummy)
1/2 c. yogurt or sour cream

in a saucepan, heat butter until melted (or oil) and add curry powder. add onions, garlic, ginger & stir fly 4-5 mins. add tomato puree and cook, stirring, for 5 minutes. stir salt & cauliflower into the sauce. cook uncovered until cauliflower is softened. add peas, mint, and pinch of cayenne. fold together gently and cook for 3-4 mins. fold in yogurt or sour cream and cook for 1-2 mins. fold again and remove from the heat. let curry rest a few minutes, then transfer to serving bowl.

March Meatout

2009-03-01T19:01:00.000-05:00

Happy March, all. This month, I've decided to do a challenge called the "March Meatout". Apparently, there's a website imploring folks to go vegetarian for one day in March, the 20th. My friend Aletha, a passionate animal rights advocate whose committment reminds me of my own before I tossed it to the Outback Steakhouse curbside pickup, challenged on her blog to extend it to a whole meatless month. Well, I'm game.

I think I need a framework to help me back onto the vegetarian wagon. I was faithfully meatless for about 5 and a half years. I started eating meat after Adam & I broke up, when I was a more than a little bit crazy.

Since I started eating meat, I’ve found it to be addictive, particularly my love of seafood. I tell myself that creatures like scallops aren’t sentient beings, don’t even have developed nervous systems, and I’d like to see some non-overly-sentimental, scientific proof to the contrary. For me, seafood serves as a “gateway drug” of sorts, leading to more sentient & attractive creatures, and finally I’m eating steak again & feel really bad about it.

So, here's my chance to stop feeling like a hypocrite. I'd like my second round of vegetarianism to be lighter on the self-righteousness; the memories of Thanksgiving protestations & other sermonizing are so loudly backfiring that I can still hear them seven years later when I'm trying to enjoy a Porterhouse. But I do want to blog about my experience, and I'll be typing up some vegetarian recipes this month.

And, some alterations to the "rules", I suppose: Friday night is fish fry at Nana & Papa's,

and I'm not sure I feel like dealing with their mockery, so...maybe I'll abstain, maybe I won't. If I start getting cravings that cannot be satiated by legumes, nuts, tofu, quorn, whole grains, tempeh, or other non-meat sources of protein, I'm taking that as a sign that I need to eat some meat. Although that didn't happen very often when I was vegetarian, I wasn't really good at listening to my body back then.

----------------

Tonight's meal: Pesto Spaghetti with Meatless Meatballs

The pesto was frozen from this summer. It freezes great (you can use ice cubes, or plastic baggies), and tastes like summer all winter long. Basically, you take a heap of basil, some oil, some garlic, and some nuts & put them in a blender or food processor. When it's a pasty consistency, you freeze it. When it's time to cook, that's when you add parmesean cheese, if you're gonna add cheese.

The meatless meatball recipe I got here. Now, I'm not that big a fan of using substitute "meats". I buy a lot of Quorn, because it's tasty & it's on sale at the Compassion Coalition a lot (at least half the price of the grocery store!), and I eat some of the other stuff too. But generally, I'd rather advocate for being excited about the food you *do* eat in a vegetarian diet, not unsatisfactorily trying to replace stuff you miss from an omnivorous diet.

That said, I can't resist TVP, especially not when it's sold in dry bulk for $1.69 a pound. (At least 4 meals per pound!!!) And I'm not using it because I miss ground beef foods. Well, maybe a little, although I prefer knowing my meatballs/sloppy joes/burrito filling are vegetable-derived.

The results? If you're comparing them to ground beef meatballs, well, they don't taste like that. But as a food on its own, it's not bad. I probably would serve them in something. Tomorrow for lunch I'll use the leftovers for meatless meatball subs.

the "stuff" of life

2009-02-24T21:33:00.002-05:00

hey, all. still have a bit of those winter doldrums from last episode, which is probably why i haven't written. also, i was sick for a bit in there, causing an unpleasant vacation from "normal". so...

i've been reading a lot, still. still keeping up with goodreads--my name is "coldinaugust" on there, if you're interested in what i am reading, have read, or have marked as to-read. mostly i'm keeping track for myself, though.

david & i have been setting aside 2 hours in the morning (11-1) for working on our respective projects. he's putting together a portfolio for teaching interviews, and i'm working on my unschooling work, which has been going really well.

rose wrote a good blog post citing me, her "dear friend", regarding different types of learning. her style is to explore & then map where she's been, whereas i find myself unable to set out without at least a rough sketch of the terrain. true to form, i have finally established curriculum subjects & i'm working on booklists, which is part of what i'm using goodreads for.

i'm also working on making props for a story for religious education at church. david & i went this sunday because it was our turn to do coffee hour, and we spent most of the time in the kitchen talking to saille & PB. i felt a lot more hopeful about church after talking to them, which is good because i've missed going. i still need to clarify my feelings about church somewhere on paper, so that i can process what i need and what i'm getting, what i've gotten & haven't gotten, etc. but i'm thinking about returning to regular attendance.

had a nice phone chat with my old friend gina t. last night. she's been living in vegas about 3 or 4 years now. i got to hear her almost-1-year-old son, "the don" babbling in the background. ♥ to both.

back has been hurting but i'm not sure if it's more than when i was seeing the chiropractor regularly. stopped taking the vitamins that helped me feel vibrant because i am paranoid that they're giving me my stomach bug symptoms, and also that they are not particularly safe. fell by the wayside with exercise during illness, but i hope to get back on track & maybe i'll go to a contradance this friday.

and that's about it.

winter doldrums--i haz thems.

2009-02-11T21:00:00.000-05:00

it's that time of year when it's occasionally getting a little warmer. however, most of the "warmth" is coming from a thick blanket of grey clouds, not any abundance of sunshine. &it hasn't snowed in a while, which means that all the snowbanks are caked brown with exhaust. it's gross looking and depressing.

in perspective, i'm grateful that i'm at a point in my life where i'm experiencing "winter doldrums", not year-round bouts of crippling depression. so that's good, really good. still, how to deal?

well, today i got my crab on. david mentioned something about the greek system (frats & sororities), which started me on a vitriolic rant that lasted a good ten minute drive to the post office. we came home and played trivial pursuit, at which we are quite evenly matched. david pouted, "i need a dumber girlfriend", which pleased me. he also sported a really cute new shirt on his way to work.

before he left, i made sugar cookies. it seemed like the weather for them. downside: i accidentally ate cookies for dinner. i also let my doldrums convince me out of my healthy daily routine of exercising right after david leaves, to up my energy level & start my night on a non-sedentary, productive track. instead i sat around at the computer reading blogs until my hands, feet, and legs were so cold i had to take a warmup shower. during my shower, i tried to figure out what to make david for dinner, since i had already eaten my cookiedinner. i decided on "breakfast-for-dinner", a special treat nana used to do every once in a while. i used up some of the bulk yogurt i bought last week, and some old morningstar "sausage" patties i had in the freezer since summer.

one thing i'm pretty bummed about is my back/posture/whatever issues. i went to the chiropractor today, and we had a discussion about how basically i don't feel any better, and he's pretty much stumped on what to do, and we can keep trying stuff but i've already paid a bunch out-of-pocket & blah. i decided to "take a break" to see if i get any worse, which would mean that at least the adjustments were doing something.

& even though i initiated it, i feel cut loose. bottom line, he doesn't know what's wrong. and i dont' either. i went for bloodwork, and all my levels were right in the middle of their preferred ranges. i'm super healthy, i just don't feel that way.

so...i think i'm going to go back to my primary care provider, see what she recommends. hopefully my SSD medicare will kick in by april. the vitamins i'm taking helped a lot at first, but i'm starting to feel tired again, and my back still hurts. there was a moment on saturday when i was walking, and all of a sudden i felt really present & i realized, i felt awake, vibrant, my back didn't feel very stiff or sore---i felt alive. i couldn't remember the last time i felt that good. and i'm only 26; i'd like to feel that way most of the time. i've worked hard to get to an emotional place where i can appreciate my life, and i've put in a lot of body self-care too, i really hope everything falls into place soon. at the very least, i'd like to know why it isn't so i can deal with it emotionally & physically.

if it is at all financially possible, next year david & i going to visit litchick in vegas in february. a few days of nevada sun and adorable toddler antics oughta beat away those winter blues.

Happy Davidversary!

2009-02-06T11:46:00.001-05:00

Feeling pretty stoked this morning. It's the one year anniversary of David's visit. I am kind of hoping we go to the Syracuse Airport for a reenactment, which David only suggested in jest. I would actually like to do it. I'm wearing the same shirt (the "You Drive Me Nuts" peanut shirt) & everything.

I also have two succulent, salient dreams rolling around in my brain. These two are even shortly doable, moreso than learning to build my own house, which logistically requires more financial stability. Which one if not both of these dreams addresses!

And I have reading to thank! Oh, my old friend reading. Between school, where I was required to read crap that was boring and made me sleepy, and potsmoking, which significantly reduced my attention span and brain power, I pretty much stopped reading. As a kid, I read all the time. It was my escape of choice. There was no feeling than a fresh stack of library books. Finally, the feeling is back!

Right now, I'm reading All New Square Foot Gardening, by Mel Bartholomew. I'm also reading lots of gardening blogs. I've worked on farms the past two summers, and I really loved learning about gardening. The first summer I worked at a greenhouse, and it was only three weeks of day labor, but it was a transformative experience. I felt connected to my ancestors, from my long lost parents on back, each side filled with gardeners and farmers and migrant workers and day laborers. I felt like I was doing something right for me. Like I said, transformative. Then last summer I did an informal "internship" at Bread and Roses Farm. I learned SO MUCH about organic gardening (you better believe I took notes!), and I got to see a woman running her own business. And the business was home-based, and she was caring for and homeschooling her three kids, which was great to watch because having a home-based business and kids whom I homeschool are someday ambitions of mine. It was both educational and empowering, except for the part where my mysterious back pain & fatigue made it impossible to do the amount & kind of work I wanted to do.

This year, I really want to have a garden of my own. The health issues put a crimp in hardcore larger-scale gardening, and in doing exercise after sitting for the half hour drive to the farm. Square Foot Gardeinng supposedly allows you to grow more in less space, which is definitely what I have to work with (if we're going to try to grow at home). I'm thinking about other options, like community gardens or garden swapping with an elderly person who can't work out in the garden anymore in exchange for harvests, or coming up with good, firm boundaries & then asking for some space at nana & papa's, but really, I'd like to be able to be near my garden. I dont' want to be a drive away from it, even if it's a short drive.

So David & I have been reading about "all new" square foot gardening, and watching a library video of the older version, and daydreaming. He finds it hard to think about a garden when it is so wintery out, but I find it to be quite medicinal.

I'm also reading The Anti 9 to 5 Guide, by Michelle Goodman. It is putting me into a daydream frenzy of hope. She gives very, very practical advice, which I love, and has decribed what it's like to freelance, which is I guess the name to what I want to do. Except, I'm not sure what to freelance. But I am sure, almost 100%, that that is the type of work arrangement that I want. I've been browsing freelance websites, and wow, there are a lot of things that one can freelance. And a lot of them excite me! I haven't felt excitement about possible work in a while. Individual projects, maybe I've been excited about, but not particularly hopeful. This seems exciting, and inspiring, and doable. I have a lot more dreamstorming to do, and then action plans to make, but for the first time in a while, I feel like I might be on an actual, possible (as in do-able) road to enjoyable self-employment.

And, maybe today's excitement has come in part from the new supplements I got. See, I went to healer #47 or so yesterday, about my back pain & fatigue. A couple Sundays ago I was talking to a fellow churchgoer who had similar symptoms, and she told me about this guy she'd been seeing who really helped her. She passed along a coupon for a free consultation, so I went. He was weird and off-putting in a socially awkward kind of way, but one that's different from the brand of weird, off-putting social awkwardness than I am used to. I am trying to decide whether I should let that influence me, because on one hand I want to have a good relationship with any healer that I'm working with, but on the other hand, I want his help with my problem, not a date or a BFF. Anyway, a lot of the things sounded like an endocrine problem to him, and he gave me some supplements to try. When my Medicare kicks in, I think I'm going to go to an endocrinologist. But for now, I'll try this $30 bottle of citrusy chewable vitamins. Probably won't hurt (let's hope).

So that's what's up. I was inspired to write a quick entry, and it took longer than I thought! Better get goin' if I want to get to the Syracuse Airport. I'm very glad that this time, David's already with me. And I don't have to leave him there to fly back to Korea. Happy Davidversary!

bullet points

2009-02-03T21:02:00.002-05:00

*i'm just about over a cold. it was a weird, weeklong mini-series cold where first i just had a really sore throat, then my throat was fine but i had a fever, then my fever went away but i was a coughing, sneezing, pleghmy mess. bleh. but yesterday i sounded like bea arthur, and that's kind of cool. also, points for fascinating funky illness progression.

*somewhere in there i went to the doctor (to make sure it wasn't strep throat, to which i'm prone; it isn't), and a baby shower. i won a game of luck and a game of skill. in the game of skill, we had to guess how big my skinny friend's pregnant tummy is. i used my own perma-pregnant sized & shaped tummy for reference, then added 2 inches. i won a fancy set of pens. david won a cd holder for his car visor. rose & i chatted & i came up with the idea of baby shower games tailored to attachment parenting folks, with word searches & scrambles for things like "sling", "doula", and "birthing tub" instead of "crib mattress" or "bottle nipple".

*after the party, rose came back home with us & we opened PYSANKY SEASON 2009! i am pretty eggcited (you didn't think i'd be celebrating without my stock of egg puns, did you?), and i hope you are too. get ready for hopefully many photos of pretty eggs.

*yesterday was the first pretty sunset we've had in a long time, which i think is an indicator of being steadily on the upswing of the wheel. yesterday was the pagan holiday imbolc (which, props to david, he remembered before rose or me!), and that's a quarter turn up to the top of the year, so yay! i like pretty sunsets.

*there was a fire in the development where we live. we drove past it today, and it was really bad. we totally need new (working) fire extinguishers. i am not so paranoid as i once was, but i am still scared of the possibility. couple the fact that trailers burn particularly quickly with the issue of living in a weird fire department zone which has a farther department responding, well...we totally need new fire extinguishers.

*a friend from church was kind enough to give me a coupon for a free consultation with a chiropractor/natural healing type person. i have an appointment thursday. i'm also getting some bloodwork done to see if i might have a vitamin deficiency. that would be fucking awesome, because it's pretty easily correctable. i take a multivitamin now, but i might have a problem with uptake, which, if identified, could probably be treated. i just hope i get some answers, sooner rather than later. i've been sore & stiff for at least a year now, and easily fatigued for most of my life, and i'm sick of it.

*david & i are reading the all new square foot garden together, and hoping to build one this gardening season. it's raised bed intensive gardening, meaning you use a lot less space & it might have more aesthetic appeal to the control freaks at the main office where we live. i'm also reading the anti 9 to 5 guide, which seems like it would be infinitely helpful were i at the stage where i know what i want to do, which i am not. also, the book has so far been based on the assumption that i currently have a job which i hate, which i do not. so, a good read, but not particularly helpful. i'm not sure whether to keep going, or to put it down & get it out from the library again when i get a little farther along. i'm leaning in that direction.

*that's it for now. peace out.

good things, tuesday edition

2009-01-27T20:12:00.000-05:00

+celestial season's "wellness" (echinacea) tea is so good.

+i've been reading a lot lately. that feels pretty good, too. i'm on goodreads now; my email is coldinaugust (at) bust (dot) com

+i finished this book report i've been doing for my own personal purposes, that because it was only for my own personal purposes took me an embarrassingly long time & made me into the biggest library book hog ever. but it's done! and now i have a record of why i loved A Quaker Book of Wisdom so much.

+david cracks me up. today we were buying baby stuff for our friend's baby shower, and after being unable to find anything we chose off the registry, were contemplating a very tiny bathrobe with duck decorations. i said, "what would a baby need a bathrobe for?" and david answered, "for when he gets out of the shower?" and i fell on the floor laughing. later, we found a 4 pack of long sleeved onesies and got the fuck out of there. flourescent lights and adorable wee tiny socks do weird things to me.

+i love my cats. we have taken to calling bean "the (dwarf) panther", and he has taken to sleeping on any pillow he can find. thus, many exclamations of "there's a panther on my pillow!" pillow panther!

Humor-infused whining, with a smidgen of hope

2009-01-26T17:52:00.002-05:00

Had a good weekend; how about you? I went to a meeting about sustainable local community in regards to climate change and the possibility of peak oil crisis. See the Transition Towns website for more info. It was interesting, and a really good friend was in town, who is always good to see. He met Rose, as they've been online friends for a while & organized the meeting together, and that was cool. On Sunday we had a potluck brunch and played Trivial Pursuit, and I stayed the afternoon & played Battleship with Verdi.

I took notes at the meeting, and today I started typing it up, but I had a whole car mess to deal with. Not sustainable, but reality. I have chronic pain, and I live miles away from places I need to go, miles which are steep hills and snow & ice covered and high-traffic highways. Biking or walking is simply, sadly unrealistic.

Instead, I own a 2000 Pontiac Sunfire which I drive approximately two or three times a week, when it is in working condition, which lately, it has not been. It feels like almost every time I drive it, something new is in need of repair. It's on the downside of its life, and I'm not sure it's worth it to pump more money in. I'd like to think that sharing a car with David would be possible, but it doesn't always seem that way. I feel locked in the house a lot of the time, and not being in control of when & where I am going when I get a ride somewhere makes me anxious. I am able to be more social & functional when I know I have a way to leave if I need to, since I have a harder time committing to spending time out of the house when I know I won't have control over the timing. But it seems like I only have a few options: perpetually fix the car I have, putting more money into it than it's worth; buy a new (used) car, which I hopefully won't have to fix as much, or learn to be more flexible and how to share one car. Option 3 is the cheapest, and even possible for the time being, but if David gets a job where he is working longer and more traditional hours, I'll be stuck at home during that time, and that is unacceptable to me. Option 1 is also unacceptable, so Option 2 is the most practical. It's one of those situations where doing nothing is the bigger risk, but doing the best thing feels riskier & scarier, and therefore I end up doing nothing. Today, it is hard to breathe.

But anyway. I'm making bread tonight. Typing up meeting notes, hoping against hope that I am accurate and don't misrepresent anyone terribly and that my scribbles are decipherable (I don't know shorthand). Feeling anxious but knowing that it's in my better interests to do something productive, stop holding my body so tightly because it's making my back even stiffer, and chill the fuck out. Let me know if you have any other ideas regarding transportation for someone who would like to have control over when & where (s)he goes, is somewhat environmentally minded, deals with chronic pain, and lives in a cold, snowy region with many hills and non bike-friendly highways. For example, if you are selling a flying carpet or a teleportation device, hit me up.

dignitarian crone

2009-01-07T21:04:00.003-05:00

this morning david & i went to visit my friend from church, kate oser. she's 91 and lives in a nursing home. she's been an activist since the 1930's, according to this website announcing the honorary doctorate she received in 2005, which now hangs above her bed.

we talked a bit about this article from uu world. it expands on the first principle of unitarian universalism, the belief in the inherent worth and dignity of all people. we're going to be discussing the article in church this sunday, and i wanted to know what kate had to say about it and the uu prinicple behind it. she was quite frank about having been privileged for the majority of her life, and having the luxury of not really having to think much about rank. but she believes in the dignity of all people, and made it her life's work, doing activism for migrant workers and peace, protests of the vietnam war and in support of the ERA & AIDS activism & all sorts of things. we talked about her travels and her family & how she's refusing to go soft in old age. it was a neat discussion, and i'm pretty enamored. i know really awesome old people.

now about the article--it just didn't sit right with me. it talks about a concept of rankism, which the author believes is behind all -isms and circumstances in which one party does not treat another with dignity. that, for me, was easy enough to agree with. but, to me, the natural conclusion is to do away with rank. if feeling superior to another person is behind rankism, as the author states, then what good are "positions of superiority", the exact phrase he uses in the same paragraph. i was hoping while reading the article that there would be a discussion of marx's classless society, or some anarchist principles, but no such luck. unitarian universalism is the "liberal religious community", after all, not the socialist party or an anarchist collective. and thus, i was disappointed. i was really bummed at the loss of an opportunity to talk about what i perceived the author was pointing to as the shittiness of hierarchies. but i guess he wasn't really saying that at all, because then he busted out what i interpreted as a potentially paternalistic argument of rank being necessary so that the folks on the top could get stuff done. i wanted to read more concrete ideas of how to keep rank from devolving into rankism. i hope we talk about that on sunday.

A Late "Happy New Year" from Nana & Papa

2009-01-06T21:06:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year! from ami redmond on Vimeo.

how i work (or don't work)

2009-01-01T19:56:00.000-05:00

well, chickensitting went okay. tuesday morning i woke up with a really yucky stomacheache, but i was well enough by afternoon to go up to the farm. i was still kind of weak, though, eating crackers & sipping apple juice that david got me at the grocery store. it was kind of a crappy week health-wise. sunday i felt like i was walking in a cloud, tired and achy, and by extension, cranky. monday i was happy to see rose & brett & the kids, but i was low energy afterwards. tuesday i was sick, and slept a good chunk of the day. yesterday i really tried to get back up, and i shoveled lots of snow (which made my back more sore than usualy) & made bread & put away laundry & worked on thank you cards. today we went to nana & papa's and ate lasagna, then when we came home we went for a walk & hiked up this area they're developing in our "mobile home community". the snow was up to our knees & untouched. i made an awesome snow angel.

i'm so subject to inertia. if i sit down, i feel like sitting down forever. if i'm moving, i can keep going for a while. i don't like that about myself, but i just try to work with the momentum & fight the urge to do nothing. this past week especially, i've been feeling mentally exhausted when i think about doing certain tasks.

like working on an educational curriculum for myself; it feels kinda big and daunting. at times it feels exciting & challenging & i jump in and work on it. but this week, being low energy & inertia-bound, i have had a hard time getting it up. it's one of my big 2009 projects, though.

i'm not really making any resolutions. i can't remember any i've made that i've kept, and i've accomplished a lot of things outside the context of new year's resolutions, so whatever. i'm excited to see my friends working on 52 books in 52 weeks, and hopefully for the book reports, but i know that it's not for me. i'm just getting back into reading, and i can't read that fast anyway, so i want to savor & celebrate each completed book. maybe after a couple more years of reading regularly, i'll be ready for a goal like that. but right now, i'm taking the slow-but-steady approach to my book life.

it's similar to how i work on my health goals. at the tailend of 2007/ early 2008, i started keeping track of my physical activity & being proud of whatever i was doing, simply because i was doing it. later in 2008, i started aiming for at least 20 minutes of cardio 3 times a week, with a couple days of yoga.

i feel a lot better when i give myself a starter period of just being happy that i'm starting, and then work on small, accomplishable goals that keep me motivated to push the bar higher. trying to keep to a strict schedule or making big leaps at a time usually don't work so well. that's probably a good thing to know about oneself, now isn't it?

so, really, taking my own advice, i've been doing that with my education. i've been reading, working on book reports & article reviews, mulling over things i want to learn about & do, and just being happy to be Starting. eventually, i'd like to compose a list of subject areas, maybe with efficiently organized folders on my computer, but for now, i should probably chill out, huh?good, then. i'm going to finish working on those thank you cards. happy new year!

whining & then an end of holidays gift exchange parade!

2008-12-29T17:59:00.000-05:00

for the past few days, i've been getting so cold in the late afternoon. i have weirder circulation issues than i thought. my feet will get really cold, and that's to be expected, i guess, cause they're an extremity. but then my upper legs (hips? thighs?) will get really cold, the outsides. the front (and back and inside) of my upper legs are warm, the outside of my upper leg is freezing. a sharp topography of body warmth that i just don't understand. maybe the front & back is muscle, and the outside is fat, or vice versa, and one doesn't circulate as well as the other? tonight i got fed up & went & stood in a very hot shower for about 15 minutes. i hate to use all that hot water, ecologically and financially, but i also hate being chilled throughout my whole body because of a few noncirculating places. i'm currently wearing thick socks, slippers, an entire set of thermal underwear (top & bottom), heavy fleece pants, a heavy sweater, and a hat. it's about 67 degrees F in the house, so not excrutiatingly cold. whatever.

i've also been achy & sleepy, with the exception of being really excited to see rose, brett & the kids this afternoon. we had latkes and salad & played dreidel, just in time for the last day of hanukkah. david got a pile of baked goods, with some of the most moist, rich brownies i've ever had. (he let me share!) i got a book that i can mine for unschooling reference filled with practical advice about the pursuit of dreams, organized in the style of badge-earning scouting. as i flipped through it, i remembered talking to rose about wanting a grownup version of (spiral, in this context) scouts. i was also magically pleased to find the goethe quote on the first page, the one that kaaren used as benediction for every service,the one that i have hanging in my hallway cause my gramma gave it to me independent of knowing about kaaren, the one that keeps popping up over & over in my life:

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.

Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it."

(and then i hear kaaren saying, "may you ever be bold in your living, and loving. amen & blessed be.")

here is the poster i made for rose & family, who celebrate both hanukkah & solstice. i used my mother's metallic paints for the sun and moon, and i like how the flash (and of course, real light) glints off them:

and i just finished this one, for my friend sarah & her family. they moved here a couple years ago from ohio & went back the week before the election, after weeks of making phone calls, to canvass for obama. i wanted to make the background watercolor blue, but upon further reflection, 1) i dont' have any watercolor paint, 2) poster paper warps, and 3) fish underwater make sense, an elephant underwater does not. then i thought i could put a scuba helmet over the elephant's head, but how would i fit in the trunk....and that's when i realized i was OVERthinking it.

boxing day, Gigantic Italian Meals (TM), health update, a great poem link, and chickensitting

2008-12-27T15:58:00.001-05:00

can someone (canadian or otherwise) explain boxing day to me? every year i wonder, try to read something about it, get confused, and give up. i'm ready to know.

the feast of the seven fishes went smashingly. in fact, the whole season has been great, with the exception of not yet spending time with rose, brett & the kids. but it'll make it an even longer season!

at christmas eve dinner, we had seven fishes, PLUS homemade macaroni & cheese (cause nana's nuts). i was a little bummed that there was no traditional ai oila (spaghetti with garlic & breadcrumbs), but as it was, it was hard eating even a taste of everything on the table. i froze two containers of baccala, and i just finished the last of the other leftovers i took home this morning. sausage bread for breakfast, say what?!

then, for christmas, i had a feast of small talk chatter with biological relatives i only see a few times a year. it was decent enough. david & i drove nana & papa home, and then went back to our house & tried to let the food from the last two Gigantic Italian Meals (TM) settle, and tried in vain not to eat any more of the candy hill we each and collectively received for christmas. david's best friend kate, who lives in england, sent a tin of cookies from germany, and his brother sent a gift box from the "made in oregon" store of candy-covered hazelnuts, and then i got candy for david's stocking, and then he got candy for my stocking, and bleh! i'm glad to get back on the healthy eating wagon soon. i avoided most of the junk food by virtue of not having a job, where everyone & their cat bakes heaps of sweets & brings them in & leaves them in the break room/by the coffeemaker.

nevertheless, i have managed to eat 4-5 fruits/vegetables every day, and i had a small workout yesterday, which i hope to repeat today. i shoveled 3 times last weekend cause of the snowstorm, and had a really sore back at the beginning of the week, preventing the pre-holiday exercise i really could have used to keep myself on track with that. the past few days, i've felt heavy & sore, and it's been hard to move, and i'm wondering if it's because i haven't been taking care of myself as well as usual. i'm still not sure what i'm really dealing with (posture issues, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, wtf-ever), but i know for all of those things, eating healthy & getting at least a minimal amount of cardio & strength exercise will help.

tomorrow david & i are going to church. it's a poetry-reading & request your favorite hymn service, and i'd like to read ellen bass' "pray for peace". then we're going up to sarah's farm to chicken-sit! i'm excited to see everyone again.

so, that's the general update. i've also been working on some unschooling stuff: spiritual reading, learning more about cars, and trying to write up my thoughts on this UU World article on dignity & "rankism", which sounded marxist/anarchist to me, but then sort of contradicted itself. will post about that stuff later. for now, it's already too late of a morning; 1pm & i'm not out of my pajamas. goodness!

preparing five fishes

2008-12-23T17:50:00.000-05:00

my plans changed a little today, but it was a good day. we postponed our solstikkah celebration til friday (convenient that hanukkah is eight days long). this morning while drinking our coffee, david & i watched cooking videos and this video promoting the graphic novel called, what else, feast of the seven fishes.

by the time we were done, we were ready to drive down to east utica, my grandparents' old neighborhood which was then heavily populated by italians. we drove past the church & school where my mother went til grade four, past the house where my family lived in a third floor apartment, prompting my grampa to make a rope ladder in case of fire. we stopped in a couple shops on our way to the fish market, which was harder to locate than i thought it would be, cause i've driven past it lots of times before.

when we did find it, i had a couple of major disappointments. one, that eel is "a thing of the past". i asked at every grocery store in town, and i thought for sure that the fish market would have it. second, the fishmonger told me that i'd need to soak the baccala for three days. i didn't know that! we're doing this as a surprise for my grandparents, who are cranky & would tell us not to waste all that money & who's gonna eat it anyway, blah blah blah. but i wanted to do something special; you never know when it's gonna be your last christmas together.

aside from that, the atmosphere was certainly excellent; people speaking italian & a big sign on the door that read "we are FRYING today". we got scallops for $3.99/lb. and a swordfish steak and a dozen clams. we put it in a snow-filled bin in our trunk & went to my chiropractor appt.

after that, we were really hungry, cause we'd left the house at noon without eating lunch, thinking we could eat something good in east utica. and we could have, if we'd had more time. but we had fish on the brain, so we went to a sushi restaurant, where we had eel sashimi. they're getting eel! i should have asked where they got it. maybe some special restaurant-only order place, i don't know. but it was excellent.

then we went to price chopper, where we got our last & final fish, baccala! we found a package that said it only needed to be soaked one day. back at home, i put it in water & changed it every half an hour for 2 hours, then every hour for a couple hours, rinsing it thoroughly each time, and now it's tasting like it's not too salty anymore. tomorrow i'm going to make this recipe, sans capers.

while i was making dinner tonight, i boiled & arranged my shrimp cocktail. now i think i'm going to make the balsamic mint sauce in this recipe, for the swordfish steak i'll grill tomorrow.

aaaand, i've wrapped all of my presents! i keep visualizing david & i sitting on the couch on christmas eve, relaxing in the dark with christmas lights & wine, and having that feeling of just letting the time wash over me, not having any more preparations to make. good times, good times.

breakdown: gift shopping, contradancing, ex-girlfriends, dead mother, holiday celebrations

2008-12-22T23:41:00.000-05:00

so, shortly after my last entry, berta did indeed pick me up & we went shopping. the mall wasn't too bad, and neither was parking, due to superpowers like berta knowing which lot has the most empty spaces and driving a tiny hatchback not much larger than a golf cart. seriously, you can park that car anywhere!

then we came back, had dinner, changed & went contradancing. one thing that was disturbing was seeing a girl who looked almost exactly like maisie. i couldn't take my eyes off of her; it was like seeing a ghost. she looked like maisie, only when she was well. light, laughing, no scars. i made sure berta could see her too, that i wasn't just seeing things. the part of my heart that belongs to maisie is confusing, still. she never treated me terribly well, as i fawned over her, but was it real or just lonliness & addiction that kept me there? we never had sex, but we were together almost every day, (mostly) happily tangled together for a couple years. in a lot of ways, too, being with maisie was like being with my mother. a constant, mostly silent, distant presence, never happy enough with me, never able to get close enough. our relationship was a confusing jumble of platonic and sexual and familial. but strangely enough, when it was over, it was over. i didn't pine for long; i knew that it was actually for the best. and it was. but that doesn't mean it feels resolved, because it certainly doesn't. the girl who looked like maisie made me wistfully sad deep down in my heart.

all in all, though, it was a good night. i had a good time, and berta complimented my conversation skills on the hour drive there & back. two hours of driving, two and a half hours of dancing! but worth it, cause 6 of us carpool in donna's huge, bus-like SUV. berta & i waltzed again, and we did much better this time, only stepped on each other twice. she's one of my favorite people, so it was good to spend time together before the holidays.

the holidays, which are here. i know this, because i spent a half hour sobbing while stuck in traffic on commercial drive, en route to consumer square (like those names? hail to the plastic god!). regardless of not being in my usual seasonal depressive walking coma of the soul, i have not been able to get it together quite enough to get my gifts arranged in an orderly fashion. also, my car has no power steering. also, we have had 3 snowstorms & at least a foot of snow in the past week.

and of course, six years ago tomorrow, my mother died. i dont know what to say about it, other than it sucks & it's making me sad, but in this undercurrent of sadness kind of way. i get grumpy & cranky & angry for the tiniest of reasons, and then i think of my mother, and i burst into tears.

tomorrow i'm going to rose's to exchange gifts & celebrate the third night of hanukkah. i made a star wars clone wars duct tape wallet tonight for verdi, and discovered that working with duct tape is more fun & easier than i thought it'd be. i had horrible visuals of it sticking to everything and having nasty air bubbles and the project just looking shitty, but it's really kinda cool.

christmas eve is the feast of the seven fishes, an italian tradition that my grandparents have pared down to three fishes. sad. my mother used to make clams & shrimp for the two of us, since we were the only ones who liked it. this year, david is insistent that we have seven fishes. so tomorrow, before we go to rose's, we're venturing to little italy (east utica) in search of the old favorites my grandparents haven't had in years: baccala & eel. and we'll pick up a tuna steak or something and make the scallops & shrimp we already have, and combined with nana's haddock & smelts, that'll be a feast of seven fishes!

ugh, i'm getting cold from sitting still & typing. i'm gonna go finish wrapping solstikkah (solstice & hanukkah) and christmas presents, while drinking warm tea. xo.

other stuff

2008-12-20T19:39:00.000-05:00

*haven't heard from the newspaper re: calendar photo contest. wouldn't be surprised if i didn't win, but would be a little bummed. i'm still proud of myself that i entered.

*one of my favorite old church ladies, now in a nursing home, called today cause she got my card. i wonder if she got my thanksgiving card, cause she didn't call about that. i had tried calling her to arrange a visit, but no one picked up, so i asked her to call me. anyway, we talked about times & i'm hoping david & i can go sometime in the next couple weeks.

*i'm going contradancing tonight with berta & our friend donna. i've gone three times so far; the first time i danced the lady's part & it was too triggery or something & it freaked me out to be touched by so many guys, and also, i was still a little too out-of-shape. the second & third times i danced the gentleman's part, and it was awesome, and i felt so in my body, and like i was flying. it made me feel like i made a major fitness achievement. last time i went was in june, and shortly after that my back started really decreasing the amount of stuff i could do at the farm. i was hesitant to go back to contradancing, but i've been keeping up with exercise & yoga and i'm going to try again. if i can't do as much, i'll sit out & read & enjoy the live fiddling. but if i can, i'm donning a tie & dancing with every lady in the room!

*put more power steering fluid in the car this morning, third bottle. after each bottle, i've been running it to circulate fluid, backing it out of the driveway, trying to drive it around, then parking it & rechecking fluid level. today i remembered what a friend told me, to check the ground underneath the car to see if it's been leaking. sure enough,the snow was a gross dirty-greenish color. now i know i have to take it in, but i feel pretty good about having learned more, tried to do an easy thing myself, and being able to say to the mechanic with some confidence what i think the problem is, rather than totally leaving it up to him & feeling vulnerable to whatever diagnosis he may make.

*due to car being undriveable, and being too busy during the week to borrow david's, i am terribly behind on my shopping. berta's supposed to pick me up soon, but i am not looking forward to going to the mall on the saturday before christmas. we'll probably have to park a half mile away and it's about 15 degrees out, and HUMBUG! say it with me, folks: "next year, i'm starting earlier!"

she's here! goodbye!

cut the sap

2008-12-20T17:43:00.000-05:00

david just called, and asked, "did you feed the cats?" and i realized, i had forgotten.

so, all that stuff about cuddly sweetness? um, yeah, they were just hungry.

sad & sappy

2008-12-20T17:40:00.000-05:00

the cats are all snuggly this morning. it's really sweet. bean slept on my pillow most of the night. alas, he does this thing where he reaches out with his paw to grab my hair, then does the "kitty march" on it. i try to think of it as him brushing my hair, which is sweeter, but still hurts. zelda followed me into the bathroom this morning, then back to bed to get more pets. i'm a lucky son-of-a-bitch.

along those lines, i've been missing my mother like crazy lately. (haha, ma!) the other day i was wrapping presents & was using a cheap gift bag i got at the dollar store for a six-pack of sarnac season's best beer. the handle broke, so i looked around & found another one with a stronger handle. i didn't remember saving it, thought it might be david's. when i went to write my friend's name on the tag, i saw it was one my mom had used. i put it in my pocket & have been carrying it around since.

yesterday i was using her paints & brushes to paint a holiday gift for a friend when a package came in the mail for me from david's mom. it was filled with gifts, wrapped & bowed & everything. i realized i hadn't seen that many presents for me at once since christmases with my mother. i took out that gift tag & cried.

every year, she would save all the gifts she bought for me in her closet. i wouldn't say i was a totally spoiled only child, but there were always enough gifts to make me feel quite indulged. after i went to sleep on christmas eve, she wrap them all & put them under the tree, even post-santa. it was magical. she died on december 23rd, 2002. when i went back to clean out the house, i found all my christmas presents, still unwrapped, waiting in her closet. it's that same feeling- sad, but loved- that i get from that gift tag she wrote.

but i'm lucky, really lucky. this year, david's been almost more elf-like than i can stand! he has a box of presents for me in the spare room that he is keeping covered with a towel so that he can put them under the tree on christmas eve. the tree & decorations went up the day after thanksgiving; it was an emotional struggle i had every year since my mom died. in 2003, adam & eli & i got into some big argument & the tree didn't get put up. for a few years, i didn't even try. one year i got it up with lights, but couldn't decorate. needless to say (but of course i'msaying it anyway), it's very symbolic to have it completely up.

christmases have gotten progressively better, since 2003, when i was drunk & surly & stoned & crazy throughout most of the season. this year is certainly the best. i'm thankful for so many wonderful friends, who have helped me through those shitty years & given me great gifts, like the hanukkah cat/paw/heart themed socks i wear one of (i don't believe in matching) just about every day, and the coloring book of mandalas i got last night. i love intricate-yet-repetitive geometric patterns so!

and, selfishly speaking, it's really wonderful to have again that one person who is so focused on me. and someone to hold me when i'm crying at night, cause sometimes i still need to do that. we're both grateful beyond words that he's here this holiday. i really love him, and he must really love me, if shoveling six inches of snow in a blizzard can beat a christmas in mexico or india!

i'm also really thankful for those little cats. they've seen me through since 2004. xoxo.

health at every size

2008-12-18T17:34:00.000-05:00

tonight i wrote this letter to the editor about governor patterson's proposed "obesity tax". Let me know what you think.

Weighing In On "Obesity Tax"

As someone who cares about societal health concerns, I am pleased with the proposed tax on sodas and other sugary drinks. What I am very displeased about is the misnomer, "obesity tax". I believe in the ultimate goal of healthy lifestyle choices, regardless of body shape or size. Focusing on fighting obesity instead of increasing healthiness does a disservice to fat & thin alike. It promotes discrimination against people who are fat, and masks the fact that people who are thin are still subject to the harms of overconsumption of sugary drinks. The healthier choice is to try to drink 6 to 8 cups of water each day, supplemented with 100% fruit juices and drinks that provide calcuim, such as dairy or soy milk. Sugary drinks, whether or not they result in weight gain, replace the consumption of those healthier drinks. Let's keep our eyes on the true prize, because far more important than a non-obese society is a healthy one.

Update: The letter was published in the December 26, 2008 edition of the Utica Observer Dispatch.

unschooling, or, the education of ami

2008-12-17T17:59:00.000-05:00

from a november 28th livejournal entry:

recently, when david asked me a couple of questions about homeschooling, i was pleasantly surprised at how quickly & knowledgeably i could answer! i've had the awesome privilege these past few years to be party to the home education of quite a few children and their brilliant mamas. i was almost instantly fascinated.

since the initial awe at knowing homeschoolers (don't they all stay in their school-at-home classrooms all day?), i've heard about different educational models & seen a number of them in action. i've seen child-directed unschooling on topics their mamas were not necessarily naturally drawn to. i've seen waldorf-inspired nature tables, complete with felted elves. i've seen five-, six-, and seven-year-olds who were really into their Classical Latin cirriculum. and i've even helped teach a montessori-style sunday school. i guess by osmosis (which is what unschoolers might call an "enriched environment"), i've learned a lot.

i've also done a lot of really cool things alongside them, all in the name of learning. a trip to a museum becomes science class. specially arranged monday morning homeschool bowling or ymca swim-and-gym counts for phys. ed. it's also a chance for those "undersocialized" homeschooled kids get to hang out with each other, along with church, play dates, scouts, and other opportunities. i saw a great blog post once about the socialization of homeschooled kids which i wish i had saved, but let me attempt to summarize the points that most deeply pierced me. one, that homeschooled kids actually get plenty of socialization opportunities, and they are more beneficial due to a variety among ages and developmental level, unlike most age-segregated school classrooms; and two, that maybe kids don't need as much socialization as the traditional model says they do--that family interaction and exploration of life should be the basis of their formative years, not learning how to fit in or compete with children of their exact age, knowledge-base, and usually in public schools (which are based on neighborhood/location), mostly the same class and race. deviations from the norm are, to say the least, usually not appreciated.

yet, as fascinated as i was by this homeschooling stuff, i was also very, very jealous. i felt as though my initial love of learning had been robbed by the not-so-pleasant experiences i'd had at school. i was a young nerdling, always going over and above with school projects, only to be disappointed that my classmates had put in about 1/4 of the effort and some of them were getting the same grade, because there's nothing higher than an "A+". i made my goal teacher praise and the highest possible grade instead of, you know, learning.

not to toot my own horn, but i was a classic Frustrated Gifted Kid. i wasn't as intellectually stimulated as i needed to be, but to my discredit, i was not particularly self-motivated. i didn't know how or didn't have the resources to create advanced cirriculum for myself outside of school; how many kids do? things came easily to me, so i let them. i shut down, and ended up with this interesting, unhappy outcome: if something was difficult, i gave up. i actually started to dislike learning! i never needed to study much or work hard, and those muscles got seriously atrophied.

needless to say, this did not serve me well as a young adult, orphaned by age 20 and living entirely on my own. in fact, it pretty much fuckin' sucked. to compound matters, my parents were the overprotective type who didn't want me to get hurt by making the kinds of mistakes people usually making when they're learning things. i didn't know how to cook very well. i didn't know how to budget. my mother had listed me as the sole benefactor of her life insurance policy, and i woefully mismanaged it. my house was an unorganized, even dirty mess. i had pre-existing mental health issues that got much, much worse. between my lack of knowledge, ironic (or is it?) school-learned dislike of learning, unhappy life events, and mental illness, i was a HOT MESS. oh, and did i mention that after my mom died i, who had tried pot once and got sick & never planned on smoking again, started a daily marijuana habit that lasted for five years? yeah. i was a MESS.

so, back to homeschooling: after the first couple years of watching my friends homeschool, i decided that if i ever have kids, i will definitely be homeschooling them. but lately, i've been thinking--why wait? i'm currently in a unique position. i have enough of a bank account left from my mom to provide a short-term cushion. after having to leave my 9th job due to mental health issues, i applied for & was awarded disability benefits. i've been sober for almost a year now, and i'm a far better person for it. i'm able to do so much more, and although i don't talk about it much, i'm pretty proud of how i've cleaned my act up. unsurprisingly, my mental health has also dramatically improved. i struggled with severe depression & other stuff for years before i started using, and i'm sure i'll have to deal with it again, but it's a hell of a lot easier to pull myself out of a pit with my inner resources more intact. i have an awesome support system around me, lots of whom homeschool.

i've been thinking about making a cirriculum for myself. one of my big projects is trying to find a source of income that's right for me. it's simply impossible to live on my disability checks, even with a partner paying half of everything. i'm hoping that if i can find a form of income production that is right for me, i'll be able to support myself and maintain my mental health. that's my goal anyway.

i'm working on some career-guidance specific things, but also hoping that my interests/talents/skills will guide me in a useful direction. maybe i'll type them up here sometime. so, what do you think?

proprietor of peekhomeschool.blogspot.com, this one's for you

2008-12-17T14:50:00.000-05:00

hi, blogspot! or is it blogger? i don't really know. i don't really know much about any of this newfangled stuff. you see, i have been livejournalling--since 2001! it worked pretty well for me, so why mess with a good thing, ya know? but my more saavy friends are writing on rss-feedable blogs, and apparently there's a whole world out there i'm missing out on. bonus: my embarrassing Turmoil Years are safely contained somewhere else, and you get to see the current me.

some fun facts to start you off:

my name is ami. i'm 26. i live in central new york state, with my partner david & our beloved cats, bean & zelda. (no, she is not named after the video game, and i didn't name her, anyway.) i have purposefully incorrect capitalization, and accidentally, but less frequent, incorrect spelling & grammar. i like to think of it as a personal style, although really it is because i'm lazy & trying to type as fast as my mind is running, which is impossible.

i'm "into" a lot of things, but, as can be imagined, masterful at none. i like to read. i've made 7 or 8 zines, and i hope to make another one sometime, but it's not on my immediate project list. i like doing homemaker type stuff, like learn new things to cook and mend things and organize, clean, repair, etc. i like to cross stitch and crochet and i make pysanky and handmade cards. i like to dance as exercise, and i've gone contradancing & enjoy it.

really, i'm just starting to figure life out. my mother died when i was 20 & it sort of put me into a tailspin, if i wasn't in one already (which i was), and i've been working on getting better since. these past two years i've taken a lot of steps in the right direction. i've found a community of like-minded souls who crave something different, something more than the traditional lifestyle that our society currently offers. i've found a partner who loves me relentlessly, and moved form korea (!) to live with me. and i'm mentally & physically healthier than i've ever been in my life. i'm ready for adulthood.

and for goodness sake, i'm ready for blogspot!