chronic pain

i'm a couple pages into a zine about chronic pain called when language runs dry, available through learning to leave a paper trail distro, and it couldn't have come at a better time.  i have had a really crappy past couple of days/months/year.  still, i'm only a couple pages in, so i'm torn between understanding whether i'm telling my story & that's valid, or if i'm whining about the same shit i've been whining about since i started hurting all the time, around last winter.  i'm pretty sure it's a valid story, maybe not as written here, but part of the reason that everything's been so dragged out is that i don't have health insurance and i'm worried about spending the savings i have left on doctors and xrays and a wild goose chase that could end in terrible ways, like i'm broke and diagnosed with fibromyalgia with not a lot of hope of the pain going away, or it's psychosomatic & i'm crazier than i thought. 

anyway, i feel like i've especially been losing my footing a little this past week.  i've been in a lot of pain, moreso than the usual soreness, stiffness & occasional immobility that has impacted my quality of life for the last year.  i'm thinking i should either go back to the chiropractor ($20 a visit, no end in sight) or maybe another doctor ($75-$100 office visit, plus money for the x-rays i'd like to see if maybe there isn't a herniated or slipped disc or whatever). 

the time change has been okay, since i like more hours of daylight, but my body hasn't adjusted & i've been having a hell of a time waking up in the morning, which isn't my strong suit anyhow.  when i wake, i become fully cognizant of the neck & back pain i was only partially cognizant of when i was sleeping.  i become aware that i'm thirsty like a man lost in the desert, and i start being able to think but i'm unable to speak.  david starts talking to me a little but i can't answer him out loud, only in my head.  i can mumble a little, but it takes a lot of effort.  when i finally get out of bed, i stand up & usually wobble a little because i'm so stiff and it hurts.  and that's how i start my day, limping to the shower, barely able to speak.

i haven't been able to exercise in my usual way (getting my heart rate up by dancing in the living room or while doing chores) during the past week.  i've started some yoga sessions, but it hasn't felt very good, and i get discouraged and stop.  usually it felt good, but now i feels too sore to do my usual routine.  i can feel the cracking around in my spine as i move, and the other day david & i could actually hear it.  i'm in a frustrating loop of not wanting to move around because i hurt, but hurting more because i'm not moving as much.  i guess i should be on a constant treadmill or something, but hurting all the time makes me tired...

and we haven't been "working" the past week or so...we had been spending 2 hours in the morning working on our individual projects, but we haven't done that in the past week or so, for whatever reason (other stuff to do, usually).  i mean, we still get quite a bit done, but not our own projects.  today i helped david send off his resume for a teaching job, then we had lunch & went to a park & saw bluebirds, a bluejay, and geese flying overhead, heard the birdsongs, smelled the grass.  it was lovely, but i'm having a hard time enjoying it as much as i would if i didn't hurt, if i could move as freely as i want to. 

when we came home,  we went outside & measured where we'd like to put a garden.  we think we have enough room for 4 or 5 4x4 beds.  then we worked on a planting list, dates & stuff.   when i talked to my grandfather the other day, always the downer he said: with your back, you probably shouldn't start a garden.  you need to be out there every day, and if you hurt, you just can't do it.   i said david would be doing it too, and he said, well, how much can the poor guy do?

needless to say, that really hurt too.  physical limitations of this extent are new for me.  i'm used to emotional limitations.  i'm used to not being very physically fit, and maybe not being able to do everything i'd like to do because of that.  but i'm not used to hurting all the fucking time & having to plan my life around it.  and really, how much can either of us take of this?  we're both really worried & frustrated & upset about it, and kind of feel helpless.  i was daydreaming the other day that i had a slipped disc & i had to have surgery.  and then when i heal, i'll be back to feeling okay, maybe even better than i've ever felt because i have more emotional stability & better life circumstances & more optimism than any other time in my life.  yes, a surgery i could heal from would be a lot better than mysterious, constant pain with no end in sight.