winter doldrums--i haz thems.

it's that time of year when it's occasionally getting a little warmer. however, most of the "warmth" is coming from a thick blanket of grey clouds, not any abundance of sunshine. &it hasn't snowed in a while, which means that all the snowbanks are caked brown with exhaust. it's gross looking and depressing.

in perspective, i'm grateful that i'm at a point in my life where i'm experiencing "winter doldrums", not year-round bouts of crippling depression. so that's good, really good. still, how to deal?

well, today i got my crab on. david mentioned something about the greek system (frats & sororities), which started me on a vitriolic rant that lasted a good ten minute drive to the post office. we came home and played trivial pursuit, at which we are quite evenly matched. david pouted, "i need a dumber girlfriend", which pleased me. he also sported a really cute new shirt on his way to work.

before he left, i made sugar cookies. it seemed like the weather for them. downside: i accidentally ate cookies for dinner. i also let my doldrums convince me out of my healthy daily routine of exercising right after david leaves, to up my energy level & start my night on a non-sedentary, productive track. instead i sat around at the computer reading blogs until my hands, feet, and legs were so cold i had to take a warmup shower. during my shower, i tried to figure out what to make david for dinner, since i had already eaten my cookiedinner. i decided on "breakfast-for-dinner", a special treat nana used to do every once in a while. i used up some of the bulk yogurt i bought last week, and some old morningstar "sausage" patties i had in the freezer since summer.

one thing i'm pretty bummed about is my back/posture/whatever issues. i went to the chiropractor today, and we had a discussion about how basically i don't feel any better, and he's pretty much stumped on what to do, and we can keep trying stuff but i've already paid a bunch out-of-pocket & blah. i decided to "take a break" to see if i get any worse, which would mean that at least the adjustments were doing something.

& even though i initiated it, i feel cut loose. bottom line, he doesn't know what's wrong. and i dont' either. i went for bloodwork, and all my levels were right in the middle of their preferred ranges. i'm super healthy, i just don't feel that way.

so...i think i'm going to go back to my primary care provider, see what she recommends. hopefully my SSD medicare will kick in by april. the vitamins i'm taking helped a lot at first, but i'm starting to feel tired again, and my back still hurts. there was a moment on saturday when i was walking, and all of a sudden i felt really present & i realized, i felt awake, vibrant, my back didn't feel very stiff or sore---i felt alive. i couldn't remember the last time i felt that good. and i'm only 26; i'd like to feel that way most of the time. i've worked hard to get to an emotional place where i can appreciate my life, and i've put in a lot of body self-care too, i really hope everything falls into place soon. at the very least, i'd like to know why it isn't so i can deal with it emotionally & physically.

if it is at all financially possible, next year david & i going to visit litchick in vegas in february. a few days of nevada sun and adorable toddler antics oughta beat away those winter blues.